


I Feel It Too

by lightside



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Family Feels, Friendship, Hate to Love, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Unhealthy Relationships, possible smut in later chapters, slow build at the beginning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2016-01-17
Packaged: 2018-05-12 21:59:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5682331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightside/pseuds/lightside
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the final battle in the forest with Kylo Ren, Rey is left with a whole lot of emotions and thoughts she is only just starting to process...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is not beta read so all mistakes are my own. Also please consider that English isn't my first language and try to forgive me mistakes I make on the way... I hope you enjoy this nevertheless :)

Kylo Ren was breathing heavily, his own thumping pulse echoing in his ears as he was lying on the cold ground trying to refocus. It took him a few moments to process what had just happened, but as he slowly lifted a hand to touch his face there was no more denying, the reminder of the events crossing his face. Screaming with a burning bright relentlessness that he had been the weak one. That he had been the loser of this fight. Not the girl.

The man on the ground let out a scream of pure rage that could have been heard through the whole forest, angrily slamming an already bruised fist into the snow.

_The girl..._

How could this have been possible? Of course, she had managed to surprise him before back in that interrogation room – not only had she surprised you, she had shaken you to the core – by pushing back his forceful methods and invading his own mind almost effortlessly, despite the fact that she had been completely untrained by then.

_She is strong. Maybe even stronger than you are..._

He closed his eyes vigorously, clenching his jaw with an almost aggressive determination trying to push the sardonic and equally reproachful voice he knew so well out of his head.

The man made a promise to himself. That he would find this girl, this dirty little scavenger and make her pay for what she did to him. No matter what it would take. He, Kylo Ren, master of the Knights of Ren, would defeat her – one way or another. That was certain.

 

The girl could hear herself gasping, her skin covered in cold sweat as she was standing near the edge of a cliff staring at the other side of the gaping chasm that hadn't been there a minute ago.

She was completely stunned, almost shocked. It all felt like a dream, a horrible dream. Watching Han Solo die and Finn getting badly injured, it had been the final straw. The moment she had felt the cold but amazingly reassuring metal of the lightsaber in her hands, her heart was filled with only one strong feeling suppressing all the other feelings inside her. Rage. She desperately wanted to destroy the monster that had hurt her friends.

For the first time in her life she had people she truly cared about and who, even more importantly, cared about her too which wasn't actually something she'd experienced since her family left her... and even then, she couldn't be completely sure if they really cared about her. Leaving his own child on a desolated, lonely desert planet with nothing but a cruel and selfish junk boss to take care of her isn't exactly a thing loving parents would do, is it? Deep in her heart, she knew that. And she also knew they would never come back for her. Accepting it on the other hand was a completely different story altogether.

Rey took a deep breath before she finally turned around and ran. Away. Away from the man, the monster, on the other side and the darkness he had triggered deep inside of her. She now realized how close she had been... how easily she could have killed him with a powerful, but simple stroke of the lightsaber. And it would have all been over.  
Kylo Ren, the man who had been trained for god knows how long in the ways of the force, skilled with a lightsaber... it should have been an easy job for him, she thought, even though he was injured. And yet, here she was. The girl, no, the woman who had defeated him.

_That was all you, Rey. The moment you closed your eyes, you felt it... The sudden change in your body. The power, the Force... And_ he _felt it too._

Rey knew she should have been proud and somehow she even was, but it wasn't the predominant feeling at the moment if she was being honest.

_Don't overthink this! What really matters now is Finn and getting him back to the base where he is safe._

She ran as fast as she could to get back to her injured friend who was in the same condition in which she had left him, maybe even worse, as she fell down on her knees right next to his body. After turning him around as gentle as she could, Rey stretched out a shaking hand to touch his chest, then his face, burning tears suddenly filling her eyes.

The girl cast a desperate glance at the the dark sky above her, hoping that it would not be too late for her friend.

 

"Ren!" a harsh voice echoed through the woods.

Kylo Ren's eyes suddenly flew open as he heard the voice of the man he had secretly been expecting for quite some time.

"Make yourself felt!"the man shouted, the noise of heavy boots tramping through snow getting louder.

Kylo Ren considered for a moment, before answering "Here" his voice sounding deep and roughas if he hadn't spoken for days.

After a few moments of complete silence, a dark figure appeared above him staring at his injured body, the expression on his face not clearly visible. As he crouched down right next to him, a cold and emotionless but all too familiar face came into his vision. Kylo Ren frowned because he knew better as too belief the expressions on that face. Beneath the indifference lay a sneering he could almost hear in his voice as he spoke.

"Snoke suspected you had lost and needed help now. He told me to bring you-"

"I don't need any help" Ren hissed, slowly starting to get up as he grimaced with pain. Hux briefly rolled his eyes before he put his arm around the younger man's waist.

"Get your hands off me! I can walk by myself" Ren could barely stand on his own feet let alone walk, but like hell would he let this man carry him.

"Stop behaving like a stubborn child. We both know Snoke needs you. I'm simply following his orders. Just like you are... or at least as you should. So do me a favour now and shut up. We have to hurry before this base explodes. You've screwed enough things up for today. Bad enough that you let that little scavenger-girl escape.." Hux reached out a hand to touch the burning bright scar crossing the face of Kylo Ren who only flinched from the sudden intimate movement and swallowed hard instead. "This girl must be quite something... leaving you with such a nice present."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! :)  
> This is just an introduction to the thoughts and feelings of the character... basically starting where the movie left off. I'm planning on continuing this, but it certainly would do no harm if any of you left kudos or commented on this (actually, I would be really happy about it <3)


	2. Chapter 2

_He felt like he had been here before. Standing on that bridge, surrounded by darkness. There was a deep and gaping abyss below him. Right in front of him stood a man. A man who seemed just all too familiar. Somehow. His posture, his face... silver-gray hair that used to be the color of a warm brown back in the old days. The_ good _days._

_He even wore the same clothes. One of that stupid jackets again. He guessed that also still wore that vests of which he had always owned too many for his taste. But the worst part was that he still remembered how he had liked to grab the sleeves of those vests with his small, chubby fingers when he was being carried in the man's arms, knowing it was and always would be the safest place in the entire Galaxy. Sometimes the man had lifted him up and put him on his shoulders so he would get the overwhelming feeling that he could see the whole world from up there. The man would then start to run in big circles, making flying noises that he, in his childish naivety, believed sounded exactly like the ones the real fighters he knew from the base where they used to live made. Ascending into a blue sky that would later expand into the endless space his parents had called Galaxy._

_And uplifted by the sheer thought of being able to travel through the mysterious and promising outer space one day, he would scream with great excitement and fierce determination, "Faster, daddy! Faster!", pulling the older man's hair as he was trying not to lose balance on the man's shoulders._

_The man would laugh, his voice having its usual playfully light and carefree undertone as he told him "You're gonna be a great pilot someday, kid." He had believed it then. He would have believed everything the man said._

_Yeah... as if it would be so easy. As if_ everything _would be so easy. The man had no idea what it meant to carry a real burden. Having the potential of great power and the responsibility that came with it. He had no idea. Life was just a joke for him. A simple game. What a foolish man._

_Solo. That was his name. Han Solo._

_His face was so close to his own like it hadn't been in a couple of years. It was the same face he used to know, only that it looking at him with some kind of silly sentimentality in his expression. What did_ he _think he was? A weak and whiny little boy who wanted nothing more than his parents' attention?_ That _would have been pathetic..._

_"Come home," the man paused, before he added a little more gentle but no less insistent, "We miss_ _you."_

_No! No, that's not true. If it was why do you think did they send you away to be trained alone, separated from them and your friends and all the people you knew? They were afraid. Afraid of the power you had in you. That you would not be able to control it. The fear... the anger.... Because they had experienced it before. They felt you were different - more powerful, more dangerous than the others._

_No, they had lost every right of making a claim for calling him their son ever again. Calling him_ that _name, that stupid name. He would never be that person again._

 _He swallowed. Swallowed the strong urge to just let go and tell him that he missed them too. That he_ wanted _to come back._

_But you hate these people, don't you? You know what it was like with them. No one there who understood you. You don't really want to go back, do you?_

_And suddenly the scene shifted. He looked down onto his hands. They held his ignited saber. Nothing unusual. But then he saw it._ He _held it too. One hand between his own hands as the blade ran right through his chest. He slowly lifted his gaze to look the man right in the eye as he rammed the lightsaber even deeper into his body._

_Do not weaken now. You know it had to be done. You said yourself that he doesn't mean anything to you. And you were right. Why bother now?_

_The expression on the man's face was not a surprised one. Not even disappointed which he had almost expected to be the predominant reaction to his act. Like it usually had been... But as he looked into his eyes in a face twisted with pain the only thing he saw was shattered hopes and wishes resulting in the realization that he had failed miserably. Failed in bringing back his son to the Light, and also failed as a father._ His _father..._

 

Kylo Ren woke with a start, suddenly sitting upright in his bed. His sheets ruffled, his breathing going fast and uneven. He could feel the long scar burning across his face, especially on his right cheek where _he_ had touched him, like it always did when his dreams forced him to remember.

His eyes moved carefully through the room, desperately searching for something that didn't belong here. But there was nothing. Nothing but darkness. What had he been expecting? He rubbed his eyes, feeling completely drained and kind of... empty inside.

It was all due to that damned dream. The same dream he's been having almost every night since he and Hux escaped from Starkiller Base. And it always ended like this, with him waking up, sitting in a mess of sheets, his thick hair falling into his face soaked with sweat.

He hated it. And what he hated even more was the fact that he didn't know why this dream seemed to upset him to such an unbearable extent. It was not like he was regretting anything. He _never_ regretted anything.

"Having nightmares again?" a tall and lean figure raised from the shadows next to his bedroom door. Kylo Ren winced at the sudden noise, but after a few seconds managed to regain his composure again as if nothing had happened.

"I have to admit I'm surprised you didn't sense me."

"How did you get in here?" Ren cleared his throat loudly, his voice sounding awfully raspy as he tried to speak up.

"That's not very important at the moment, is it?" Hux replied coolly as he slowly started to approach him.

"To me it is. I am trying really hard, but I simply can't remember having invited you," he could still only see a dark silhouette in front of him. He cursed himself for not having recognized the man before. How could he have let the aftereffects of his dream weaken him like that? He had to put a stop to it as fast as he could.

"You know that I could make you pay for that any moment if I wanted to."

"What's holding you up?" Hux was now standing right next to his bed and stared down at the half naked body of the younger man, his hands folded behind his back.

"I'm not in the mood," Ren grunted, laying down again and turning to the other side.

The General made a sound as if he was considering something. "Well, honestly I didn't think you would be that easy to distract. But right now you make quite an unsettled impression."

"You really want to be thrown against that wall tonight, don't you?"

A satisfied smile invisible for Kylo Ren who had his back towards him passed over Hux' face as he sat down on the bed. He leaned over the other man and whispered into his ear "Whatever you do or say, it will not have the power to make me leave this room."

Ren couldn't suppress a shiver running down his spine. Shortly after that he felt a cold hand at the back of his head, slowly starting to run it through his dark curls that were still a bit sweaty.

"Leave me," Kylo murmured angrily. That however didn't keep Hux from pressing sloppy kisses on his neck, then his shoulders until Ren reached out a hand to roughly grab the other man's arm. “I said leave me. Was that so hard to understand?”

Hux didn't seem the least bit impressed, not the slightest stirring of emotion being visible on his pale face.

“I already told you I'm not going to leave this room tonight. Don't try to fight me off. I know you will give in to me sooner or later anyways. What's the point in trying to pretend you don't want this. I thought we were past that.”

There was a small pause of consideration before Kylo Ren replied, “Doesn't it bother you in the least that we actually hate each other?” It was a serious question he didn't know he had been asking himself until he finally expressed that thought now.

“I always thought that fact made it even more exciting. And to be fair, I don't hate you, for that matter. I simply don't understand what the Supreme Leader actually sees in you, that's all,” Hux said dryly while at the same time letting one hand wandering down the other man's back. There was nothing sentimental or in any way affectionate in his touch, and Kylo knew there wasn't meant to be either. What they were doing was nothing but business. When Hux wanted pleasure, Kylo gave it to him. And the other way around. Both of them benefited from that agreement, never had there been any reason to complain. For neither of them. But tonight something was different. No, if he thought about it, something hadn't been right since the day they had escaped Starkiller Base. Since he was having those awful dreams.

It was somehow strange that everything seemed to lead back to that very day. There had to be a comprehensible reason why things were feeling different since then. Why _he_ was feeling different. Apart from the obvious fact that he had failed horribly that day. There was more to it. He could sense it. He just had to figure out what exactly it was.

Hux' soft and slender hands working their way down his body, knowing exactly to touch him in all the right places, made it really hard to think properly. But maybe this was the thing he needed right now. _Not_ to think about the little problems and mysteries he couldn't solve which was slowly but surely drove him mad.

Maybe it was better to let himself go rather than spending too much time over-thinking things. Of course, it was not really filling the emptiness inside of him, not in the least, but it was a welcome distraction nevertheless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry, guys, that this is still a lot of recap of the recent events in the movie and doesn't really have real Reylo moments in it (only subtle, maybe)... but I will soon get to it, I promise :D  
> To be honest at the beginning of this I wasn't even planning on letting Hux and Kylo have that kind of relationship but half the way it turned out to kind of fit into the story... I hope you don't mind. ;)
> 
> Thanks for reading! <3


End file.
